Friday, May 13, 2005

Until next time.

Sorry for all of the confusion. I was asking for people to delurk so I could send a private email saying that I'm moving blogs.

Except, I've decided not to. I'm quitting altogether instead.

As much as I want to keep a diary, and doing it online is the most simple way possible... I can't do this anymore.

You see... the thing I haven't said here on S&B is that my wedding and engagement are off, because I fucked up. It's entirely my fault.

My co-worker and I kissed a couple of months ago.

Doing that has effectively ruined my life as I know it. The most important person I've ever known doesn't know if he ever wants to lay eyes on me again.

I can tell you that I was starved for attention, I was lost and confused, and my mental state was upside down. But that doesn't really explain it, and it certainly doesn't excuse it.

I did the most stupid, pointless, useless thing of my life... and it has cost me dearly. I am disgusted with myself. I don't even know who the hell I am. How could I do this... betray a man I have loved with all of my heart since the day I met him?

We're on another "break" right now -- since last Monday. He needed more space from me, because it hurts to be around someone who shattered his trust the way I have. But I have a horrible, sinking feeling that the nightmare has only just begun. I have an incredibly bad feeling that he's not coming back.

I don't think God is really listening to me anymore. (If He actually is, I really don't deserve it anyway.) But IF he is... all I can ask, is that I get another chance. I know God will forgive me, but I don't think my love ever really will. Without him, I have nothing.

I have never been more sorry for anything in my life.

And that's why I'm done sharing the details of this life. I need to live with this misery I've created for myself. I don't have the right to get this off my chest anymore.

Thanks for spending time here. Good luck to all of you.

Monday, May 09, 2005

What part of working email....

People, people, people.

I can't send you a very important, non-spam message via email, if you don't leave me an email address.

Or at the least, a website that contains your email addy.

(Devon, I know where to find you. Please disregard.)

Let's try again, please?

Sunday, May 08, 2005

Public Appeal: Please De-Lurk

I'm trying to get a handle on something here. Gauge public opinion, if you will.

Could you all delurk, just this once, and comment (with a working email address that you actually check, please.)

All will shortly become clear.

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

Edited to add...

May I just point out that I DO love my "ex-fiance".

I have loved him, do love him, will love him.

And we are working back towards the point where we were before we got derailed.

Just so you all know.

Monday, May 02, 2005

It wasn't me.

I'm sure everyone has heard about the "runaway bride" by now.

I feel very sorry for that girl.

Yes, yes, I'm well aware: talk to your family, talk to your friends, talk to your FIANCE. Don't scare the entire population of your town by faking your own abduction.

But you know what? She had to be terrified about getting married. TER-IF-IED. Terrified. I can so fully identify with her right now, it's not even funny.

That could have been me.

I know how it is to feel so trapped, that you have no option but to run. Luckily for me, I only emotionally ran away.

Ha. Only. Ask R. if it's "only".

The point here is that I know how she was feeling. It had to be really bad to do what she did. I know it was stupid -- and yes, I think she probably should be charged by authorities because I don't condone "fraud" under any circumstances -- but the reason she probably couldn't tell her family, friends and fiance is the same reason it was so hard for me:

The expectations are so fucking high from the SECOND you announce your engagement that if you show even the smallest sign that maybe you're not dripping with joy from every orifice, people FREAK OUT.

Give the girl a break.

It really could have been me.

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

We're on a break?

What does that mean, "We're on a break."

Broken up? Or just having space, but still having a commitment?

Hard to say. I guess it depends on the spirit in which the break was initiated. This break, I'd say, is of the latter category: commitment with 100% space. No communication, no contact, nothing.

Absolute silence.

But I'm not sure what's happening on the commitment end. What would I do if it really was a temporary break-up, with all of the things that go along with being single? What would I want to do? Would I be handling the break as well as I am now?

Or would I be doing my usual over-reacting bit, assuming it's actually a permanent "break up", but one being just hidden from me for any number of conspiracy-like reasons?

I have no idea. All I know is that we're on a break. I'll get back to you if I ever figure out what that means.

Let's hope I don't do something stupid due to wrong assumptions about it.

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

And so it sits.

First off, for those of you who have been following since the inception of Stilettos and Beer, it's finally done:

I did not get The Job.

Surprisingly, I'm not even really upset.

(Though that's probably because my engagement is off, and my now-former fiance isn't sure if he wants to spend even another Saturday night with me, let alone a lifetime. Obviously I have more pressing things to worry about.)

It's so pleasant.

I don't want a comments box full of, "I'm so sorry..." sentiments. I brought this on myself, and now I have to clean up my own mess.

As for The Job, I'm trying to convince myself that it wouldn't have been as good as I would have hoped. Considering it would have been a 10K cut from my last job, and a $5K cut from my present job... maybe not that far a stretch.

Anyway... just trying to figure things out now.

Also? I'm pissed off because the temporary roommate I have ate all of my bananas and my bread while I was in Toronto this weekend.