Thursday, August 26, 2004

I wish I had never found out.

I'm sitting at my desk, head tight with tension, on the verge of tears. (I lied. First tear just fell. Thank God my boss is out for the next two hours.)

I haven't heard a single thing about that job. It's been like the days following a first date. Every time the phone rings, I jump -- the deadly combination of expectation and hope, setting me up for big disappointment.

ring... ring... (frantic dumping of purse to find phone and scramble to answer before the voicemail gets it) HELLO?? Oh. Hey. Stace... yeah, I got your email. What? No, just expecting another call. Yeah, everything is fine. I think I'm just tired.

You see, at first, I thought I was stressed out about THAT job. About whether I'd even get to apply for it. I wrote about that yesterday.

But it just occured to me now, that's not the problem. It's something else.

I'm very afraid that I am not going to be able to find another job that I have passion for, the way I had passion for my career in journalism. I used to be blissfully happy -- I was one of those very lucky people who loved going to work every day. Even when management made my life so bad that I had to quit in order to preserve my sanity (twice, actually), all the way through, I loved the WORK.

That said, I don't want to go back to that business. There are too many reasons why it won't work for me anymore. Quality of life, security, blah blah blah and blah. And I'm okay with that.

But I'm not okay doing a job that I hate. The previously-mentioned job is one that I know I would love, one that I would have passion for simply because of who I'd be working for.

The thing is, in the past, if a great job came up -- one that I really wanted -- and I didn't get it, I was able to tell myself that, you know what? There will be something else. And I was able to live with the fact that the immediate opportunity wasn't meant to be, and I was really okay with that. It worked out time and time and time again. I have been exceedingly lucky in my career. Beyond lucky. Opportunities have fallen into my lap in a way that I can hardly understand, let alone explain. God has worked in my life in a way that I have never felt I deserved.

But this time, I'm starting to wonder if I've used up all of my points with God -- my alloted number of "breaks" are gone. And, as such, nothing else might come along. I can't reconcile that, if this job doesn't come my way, there is something else in God's books that will make me happy. What if there isn't?

I don't think I'm making much sense -- I'm certainly not to myself.

What I'm trying to say here is that I wish I had never found out about this "perfect" other job. At least then I would have been unhappy but not dreaming about a possibility that's just outside of my grasp. At first, I thought I'd have been furious if I hadn't found out about the position coming open. In fact, that may have been for the best.

Now, I wish I had never poked my head around the corner, happening to see an old friend who would go on to tell me that he may be leaving his job... my perfect job. I just really wish I never knew.