Thursday, September 30, 2004

Out of my hands and a bizarre meeting

It's done. My part of it, anyway. I handed in my portfolio package for The Job yesterday. My heart was pounding in my ears as I gave up any remaining control I had over my destiny in this situation.

I thank you all for your concern about how much mental energy I've put into this situation. The thing is, put this much focus and mental energy into a lot of things -- rightly or wrongly, that's just how I am. I'm the queen of "Way Too Much".

I'll be honest with you: I'm not expecting to hear anything from them. I'm quite serious when I tell you that I'm pretty sure it's over. Maybe that's my inner-cynic taking over, I don't know. It's bizarre, I admit... spending so much time worrying, obsessing, freaking out... then admitting that I don't have a lot of hope for it anyway? I know it's a contradiction but that's me: L'il Miss Contradiction. I think it's really just that I've had the experience so many times in my life, where I expect to hear from someone about something, then I never do... that it's just become the norm, as far as what I expect will happen.

I do have one more thing to do, that being the requisite, "Just calling to make sure you got my package" phonecall... which gives me hives to even think about. It's just as bad as the pre-submission phonecall. Maybe worse, because there is more potential for rejection when they've had a chance to look over your stuff. I think my package was killer, but they might think a pre-school class could have done better. Hard to say. These things are subjective.

So now I wait. Make that phonecall, and wait. (Oh LORD, I don't have the energy to do this.)

And, just trust in God that this will go as He has planned and however that may be will be the right way.