Monday, September 27, 2004

Sick of myself.

I'm so sick of myself, in fact, that I'm going to use a different font today to break things up.

I'm really tired of my life lately. What I mean is, I'm sick of waking up every morning to the same series of thoughts: I'm not happy... will I get a chance at The Job?... why haven't I heard back from my contact at The Job?... am I going to feel like this forever?

Ugh. Really. I'm really sick of it.

I've been here before, but it's always been post-breakup. Post-breakup, I know how to heal. I've done it enough times now.

It always goes something like this...

You lose something you (think you) desperately want to keep. You go through the stages of loss: denial, anger, sadness, acceptance. You fall asleep, often with a salty-wet face and puffy eyes... then when you wake up, you have those couple of moments of "ahhh" before the stark reality of your situation hits you. Yep, still lonely and hurting and bitter. Yep, still alone.

But, eventually after a breakup, you wake up one day and say, "Hey, I feel really happy today. You know what? I think I really like my life right now." And while you realize that you're doing okay on your own, you maintain that hope that you'll meet someone else, who will be even better than the last one. Which, inevitably, you do.

I think it's the hope that keeps you going. Kept me going, anyway. Hope is a remarkable thing. Pretty powerful.

But how do I heal from a situation where there is no "hope" on the other side?

I mean... if I don't get The Job, a job that I have already determined is my 100% perfect dream job... what am I to hope for after that? When you can't have the #1 thing on your list, hoping for #2 is pretty disappointing.

I really need to get The Job.

Note: I mentioned the question above, about why I hadn't heard from my contact at The Job. After I hadn't heard from him, naturally, I started questioning myself and whether I had said something bad or wrong or whatever. I started to wonder if my contact never really liked me at all, and was laughing at the fact that I want The Job. Etc. etc. Which is why, when I woke up on Sunday to find out that something really big had gone down at The Company... even though it was a bit of a bad thing, I was absolutely gleeful... because at least it meant there had been a REASON why he hadn't gotten in touch. PHEW.