Friday, October 29, 2004

I came, I saw, I got my Mom and autograph.

I met the Survivors. Then I asked myself why I bothered making the trip.

Jenna is gorgeous. She was wearing a straw cowboy hat. Very funky. Perfect skin. Doesn't seem too bright, but who needs brains when you're hot enough to pose for Pla&yboy?

Ethan is way shorter than he looks on TV. Way shorter. Very friendly. His hair is a great, big mop. If I saw him on the street, I'd probably say, "That guy would be cute if he got a haircut..."

I didn't bother with a picture because I didn't want to seem like a complete dork. I felt stupid enough asking them for an autograph for my mother. They are just gameshow contestants, after all.

My days as a celebrity whore are officially done after an uneventful one-day stint.
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This is my life?

This is what my days have come to.

I just spent the last five minutes (yes, FIVE) convincing one of the office ladies that, no, I don't want any of the meatballs that she brought for some potluck-style lunch meeting.

Her: Pink, I have meatballs, come have some!
Me: Oh, no thanks, I'm good.
Her: No no! I brought you a plate you can use!
Me: No, really, thanks.
Her: Are you SURE? Because I have LOTS!!
Me: No, thanks... really, I'm good.
Her: Are you SURE??
Me: YES. I'm. Good.
Her: Because I did bring a plate for you, and there are lots of meatballs!
Me: (blink blink) NO. THANK. YOU. I'M GOOD.

She walked away looking like someone had just sliced off her right hand. How is this POSSIBLE? You don't want meatballs? WHAT? Unfortunately, "I'm good" isn't really a very good answer for why you don't want food. Who turns down free food? Free HOMEMADE food?

But I couldn't very well tell her that the reason I didn't want to take her up on her generous offer is because I have tasted them before and they are BAD. Tasteless. Awful. Tasteless in the sense that clearly her kitchen is devoid of any seasoning whatsoever, so these are literally just balls of meat. Here's this new thing you should try, lady. It's called PEPPER and SALT. Though, no amount of S&P will cover up the overtones of freezer-burned meat. (gag)

Clearly, you see why I'm left with, "I'm good." Because they are not good.

This is what my days have come to. Fending off meatball-weilding office ladies. Oh LORD, I don't want to WORK HERE ANYMORE. I am going to cry in about 15 seconds.

On the bright side...

1) I'm taking Monday and Tuesday as vacation days. Four day weekend. THANK YOU GOD.

2) I should hear on Monday or Tuesday (I hope) from the place where I interviewed last Friday. Should being the operative word here. We all know what happens when things "should" happen. They typically don't.

3) After tonight, the place with The Job should be able to start "dealing" with The Job. After two and a half months of waiting, I may hear something soon. That said, we all know what happens when things "may" happen. See above example.

Pray for me.
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Thursday, October 28, 2004

If you can't beat 'em

I am attempting to buy into the whole "enjoy the ride" shtic. Stop being so impatient about the future, be happy about today. Blah blah blah.

In order to enjoy tomorrow, I am skipping out of my real job for an hour tomorrow afternoon to head over to the radi.o station where I work weekends (yes, I work seven days a week -- partially responsible for my current level of bitterness).

Why am I going over to the radio station?

Because Jenna and Ethan from Survivor will be there!

Hurray, I'm going to take my camera and be "star" struck. Mainly, I want to see if Jenna is as pretty in real life as she is on TV. And meet that hunky Ethan.

If I can't get an answer on whether I will get to have my dream job or whether I'll be unemployed altogether in two weeks, I may as well be a celebrity whore.
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Wednesday, October 27, 2004

Whoring myself

I'm no fun to read lately, so here's something fun to do:

Go blog surfing at BlogExplosion.

Fun.

Also. Bill Gates can in NO WAY monitor your email, and he will not be sending you money no matter how many people you forward that message to. So, to my fuckwad friends: STOP SENDING IT OUT.

Ahem. We now return to your regularily scheduled whining.



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I just don't get it

If you're not in the mood to hear me whine, then go and read my last post. Otherwise, settle in. It's Pink Stiletto and the same damn thing she's posted about for the past two months.

I'm having a really hard day waiting. Today is one of those days when, due to a number of circumstances, absolutely nothing can happen on the job front. That's just how it is. And I'm having a really hard time coping. REALLY HARD.

There is a knot in my stomach. I'm nervous about the fact that the big championship game will be held here in a couple of years, and what that really does mean to my chances. I'm a young woman -- fully capable, more than adequately qualified. But this is a classic Old Boys Club (aren't all sports teams, though?) and they simply may not see past the fact that I'm a woman. To use a tired sports cliche, and considering the circumstances a bad pun, it would have been hard to "crack the lineup" before this big announcement, never mind now.

It's just so hard to wait when you don't know WHY you're waiting, or even what you're waiting for. I don't know the divine purpose behind waiting. That's if there is a divine purpose here that has anything to do with me. It may not. I may be placing too much on God here. Am I waiting for an interview? Or am I waiting for the rejection? It's so close but so. far. away.

Not to mention, it's really hard to sit at my desk all bloody day long with nothing to do. I need something to take my MIND off of all of this. With nothing meaningful to concentrate on, I have nothing to do BUT think about what I'd rather be doing.

That, and repeating the same damn post over and over and over and over...

Help! That's it. I just need help.

Also? If any of you are in Fargo? I'll be there this weekend. Doing some cross-border shopping before a nice feeding at the Outback, and a drunken evening in a hotel room. I hope.
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You asked...

I haven't been responding to comments in the comment boxes, simply because a) I'm not sure that anyone checks back for answers and b) I'm lazy.

But there have been a few questions that I feel require answering, so I will answer three of them right now. (Mainly to avoid the topic of The Job, and the fact that there was some really big news today about the organization... that being, they've been awarded the hosting rights for the league championship game for a couple of years from now, which totally ups the ante. Which is scary. Because it's now going to be twice as hard to GET this job. sigh)

Question #1: Why did I get the flu shot when so many others in need, haven't been able to get it?

Answer #1: Because I don't live in the US. I live north of your border, and we have plenty of the vaccine to go around. So much, that American senior citizens are driving north to get the shot. I don't know why we have so much and y'all don't have enough. But we do. So I got it.


Question #2: What on earth is this damn job you've been going on and on about?

Answer #2: I answered that already once, but for reiteration, it's with a pro-spo&rts team where I live. It's a very specialized job, and frankly, the coolest damn job I could ever imagine. Ever.


Question #3: StartingOver -- where is it and when is it on?

Answer #3: It's on N.B.C., and where I live, it's on from 2pm - 3pm every day. And Gary, you were right -- calling it "Reality-TV" isn't really fair because it's not a contest or a game-show. But it's the only real category that you can throw it into where it seems to fit. It definitely is "reality", definitely moreso than any of these so-called reality shows. Whatever it is, it's a really valuable show.

That's it for now. I'm very tired today. I don't know why. And I'm making a public plea to God right now:

God. PLEASE. I need some resolution to this situation. If I am not going to even get a shot at The Job, then PLEASE release me from this. Let me KNOW. Please. Please please please. But I'd rather get The Job. Please. Thanks God.

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Tuesday, October 26, 2004

The point is in there...

Last year on Thanksgiving Monday (Cda.) I was sick. Really bad flu or cold or something, I can't remember. I just know I was laid out on the couch for the entire day with a shade of skin that R. described as "green".

That day, I came across a daytime reality show called StartingOver. They put six women in a house, each with their own issues, and each with a "goal" at the end. There are two life-coaches and a therapist who give these women assignments, and work with them to deal with their issues and reach their goal. (Eg: One young woman came in the SO house to break the cycle of poverty and get off welfare, another older woman came in with the intention of re-inventing herself after a mid-life crisis, yet another woman came to get help in getting over the tragic death of her husband... etc.)

It's an incredibly positive show. The women come in emotionally wrecked in a lot of cases, and they "graduate" two or three months later with a brand new lease on life. It's quite something and, as R. says, there isn't enough stuff out there like it. Empowering women who don't have the resources to do it themselves? Fantastic.

At the end of last season, they chose not to renew the contract of one of the life coaches. Instead they brought in someone whose books got me through some of my most difficult times: Iyanla Vanzant. Her books speak to me, that's all I know.

On yesterday's show, she said something that was incredibly powerful.

"You never know when the next moment will be THE MOMENT. Don't give up believing, five minutes before the miracle happens."

I know she knows how hard that is. Shouldn't be that hard for me.
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Friday, October 22, 2004

And now we wait. Again.

Had the interview. The moment I met my potential boss, I knew I'd love to work for him. Flamboyantly gay and fabulous, he was a riot.

We chatted for about half an hour. It was quite informal and I am very confident I made a good impression. Mainly because he told me so.

The bad part? It would be a significant pay cut. But I need to love my job again, so I'll deal with the money if they offer me something.

And, so, now I wait. He's talking to a couple of other people, and then taking a short vacation starting on Tuesday, so he'll call me at the end of next week or the first week of November in regards to a second interview.

The nice thing about this is that it gives The Job a bit more time to play out. Mind you, it also forces me to wait even longer for anything to be shored up, thus prolonging the stress of the unknown.

But somehow I don't feel nearly as hopeless as I did going into last weekend.
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Wednesday, October 20, 2004

You don't know when the outhouse is going to float up.

Remember in the Tom Hanks movie, Castaway, when it was a foregone conclusion that he was going to die alone on that island... then the broken outhouse floated up? He turned it into a raft and floated into the middle of the ocean, and a cargo ship found him and saved him.

It's a big metaphor, right? Don't give up, you never know what's around the corner. Even when all hope is lost, things can happen that your wildest imagination couldn't conjur up.

I will tell you, it's pretty bloody hard to keep positive for months at a time. There is a point at which you stop being able to see that something COULD happen, and you start to resign yourself to the fact that nothing will ever happen. It's far easier to imagine the worst than to keep hoping for the best. Hope takes a lot of energy and a lot of trust, and it can end in a whole lot of hurt and disappointment. Negativity, on the other hand, can easily spiral out of control without any real prompting or help. You can see which road tends to win.

Where is this leading?

I have an interview. Oh yes. An interview. No, it's not with The Job, but it's with a damn good second choice.

This after I have spent a miserable week feeling horribly defeated, ready to give up my dreams of a great career and a house and all of that. I wonder if it's God saying, "Would you just shut UP already? Geez. Be patient, it's not on your schedule woman. Grab some patience. But since I'm sick of the whining, here, this should shut you up." I don't think God's quite so snippy, but... I would be if I were Him.

Anyway. I have this interview. The problem is that this job is another contract. One year. Though, I do have it on good authority that the person who is leaving that job for the one-year, has little intention of returning. (The good authority is the person herself. I would think that's about as good as it gets as far as authenticity goes.) She's having a baby, you see, but in order to get compensated while on her maternity leave, she can't just quit her job -- she has to take the official leave.

Still, you never can tell what might happen. She might hate motherhood and want to return immediately. Who knows.

The point is... while there is no guarantee that I'll actually be offered the job out of this interview, the fact is, I have hope again. Sad that I wasn't able to muster it up on my own... so I thank God for helping me out. It was getting pretty bad.

Of course, I'm still waiting to hear about The Job. We are potentially two weeks away from them actually dealing with it (due to pla&y&of.fs and such), and if it comes down to it, The Job wins regardless. And THAT presents an uncomfortable situation. But in the spirit of just being happy for what's in front of me, I'm not thinking about it right now. Because, really, I STILL have no idea what my chances are with The Job. Could be big, could be negligible.

But that's okay, because I have an interview for a very good second choice. Time to pick an outfit.
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Monday, October 18, 2004

The bright spot?

At least, if I'm unemployed then I don't have to buy anyone a Christmas present.

That would be nice.
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Monday Things.

Had some time to decompress. Still discouaged, sad, and scared. Just trying to hide the sad. Two pints of beer helped that cause nicely on Saturday.

But I think "scared" covers it more than anything. I think it also explains my revolt against God on Friday. To pray, one must trust. In trusting, one becomes vulnerable. And that can be a very bad scene, if the thing for which one is trusting doesn't happen. I am very afraid to trust at the moment so praying is very, very hard.

In other words, I'm trying. Trying to continue to be patient. To continue keeping the faith.

And, Ipanima? I've been waiting for that fastball for a while. My arms are getting very tired from holding up the bat for the home run swing. I pray you are right.

And also, I can't log into my Yahoo! mail from work now. Fuckers.


To the question about how I got my weekend radiojob: I got a degree in journalism, worked at a TV station for a few years before becoming a news reporter for two years at the radio station. Left there for 3 and a half years to work in TV again. I've now just gone back because my old boss needed some help on weekends, and I need the extra cash. Voila. Rinse and repeat.
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Friday, October 15, 2004

The universe is telling me something.

It was going to happen eventually. I have resigned myself to the fact that this may be all I'm destined for.

My job pays a decent salary with the usual expected benefits (in Canada, anyway... full dental and perscription drug coverage, partial optical coverage, etc.) Sure, I'm unchallenged and bored. But at least I have a job.

Sure, maybe I'm capable of more... and maybe that makes me different than 95% of the people who work here, who either don't know they're capable of more, or simply don't want to work any harder than they already do. They're very happy counting the hours of the day while they play solitare on their computers between coffee breaks and stepping outside for a smoke. And maybe I'm different because that's not okay for me.

But maybe being different doesn't mean anything. Even if I work really hard to get into a better place, maybe it won't accomplish anything and this IS where I will end up.

All of this internal battling started in my head a few months ago, when I finally realized that this puzzling feeling inside me was the feeling of not being fulfilled by my work. As it turns out, it was very unfortunately ramped up when I ran into my friend who was leaving his perfect job.

Do you want to know what The Job is? It's working for a pro.fe&s.s.i&on.al sp.or&ts team managing m&e&dia and pu&b.li&.icy. That's what I've been raving on and on about. It's an amazing job, but it doesn't really look like it's going to be mine. Not because of anything I've done or not done. Just because that is just how it look like the universe is turning out on this one.

I wish I had never run into my friend. I wish I had never found out about that job being open, because maybe I would have been able to deal with the lack of fulfillment in other ways, not thinking about how I could be doing a job that I really love. Out of sight, out of mind.

I have applied for other jobs too, you know. There have been a couple of really good "other" jobs out there that I've gone for. Narry a bite. I have great experience, a good looking resume, and a lot to offer. But not for those people. And that's fine, I get that.

The thing that has continued to drive my hysteria over jobs is the fact that my curent contract ends in exactly one month and four days. In one month and four days, I may be unemployed. It depends on a number of factors. The alternate ending to that story is that while I could be unemployed, I could also be made permanent. (In a job that I don't like anyway... but I've exhausted the irony card on this already.)

And I've actually been considering taking other jobs that I don't even really want, just to make sure I'm not unemployed. Unemployed versus unfulfilled and unhappy. What's worse? Clearly the former.

But I'm stopping that. Right now, from here on in, it's all done. I'm going to wait one month and four days to find out if I have a job. Making contingency plans is making me crazy. If I don't have a job, then I will live at my parents home, see if I can pull some more shifts at my weekend ra&dio job so that I can make the minimum payments on my loans, and that will be that. Hopefully something else will come along.

And in the meantime, I am going to buy a pair of headphones to plug into my computer at work. That way, I can drown out the voices in my head that are telling me how much more I could be. I'm tired of hearing those voices eight hours a day. Yes, I could be more. I know that. But nobody else is agreeing. If they were, they'd be offering me work at these places I'm applying.

I'm just tired of fighting. Very tired. And, so, this is where I give up.
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Wednesday, October 13, 2004

Carolyn and A Small Epiphany

So far, so good. Carolyn's book is an interesting account of the road she took to her current position. I think the main message so far is that, you have to be good to be lucky and lucky to be good. In other words, she works hard to be totally prepared and ready for opportunities, and when they strike, she runs at them with gusto.

Nothing I didn't know already, but she does lay it out in an interesting way. I just think the difference between her and most of the rest of us is that has been in the right place at the right time quite a bit. But, again, good on her for capitalizing.

Interestingly, I have realized WHY I have been so actively trying to figure out what I need to do to "get exactly what I want" -- meaning, The Job, or one equally as good (if it exists.)

I'm searching for ways to control the situation I'm presently in. I'm trying to control.

HEY. RUMPY. IT'S OUT OF YOUR HANDS NOW.

Yes, I see that. But I've realized that I have already done as much as I can possibly do, and now I have to LET. IT. GO.

That's hard. That is so hard. I've already tried to let it go and I have failed to some degree. I have to let it go and leave it alone instead of looking for further ways to hurry it along. (That includes hoping for more accidental bump-ins, that includes wondering if others are involved in the application process, that includes all of it.)

And so, I pray for patience. I ask God to just give me the patience and the strength to get through every day until I have an answer. And not just an answer to The Job, but a final solution to my career crisis -- whether it involves The Job or not.
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Tuesday, October 12, 2004

Ask and you shall receive.

While I would say I generally believe in "Ask and you shall receive...", I am currently on the fence as I have obviously done quite a bit of asking in regards to my job situation and am waiting to find out what I will receive.

Still, today I got a taste of it. A post or two ago, I asked about what it takes to be the kind of person who sees what they want, then goes out and gets it.

Like the contestants on The Apprentice, I said. They are all people who seem to say that they see what they want in their lives and they get it. That's how they ended up on the show, after all.

Ask, I did.

And, as I went into the Starbucks at Chapters near my work, a Starbucks I rarely go into because it's a difficult parking lot to navigate in and out of, I saw the New Releases section and it jumped out:

Carolyn 101
Business Lessons from The Apprentice's Straight Shooter
by Carolyn Kepcher

You know, The Donald's right-hand woman.

Nice. Now let's see if what I received is worth the $30 spent to receive it.
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Waiting. Still.

Waiting could possibly be one of the hardest things to do in life. Seriously.

Give me difficult action -- I'll do it. Because then at least I'm doing. But waiting? Excrutiating. Truly.

I realize that waiting can have a very real purpose. As someone said to me once, "Just when it seems like nothing is happening, that's exactly when God is working."

But it's still not easy.
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Sunday, October 10, 2004

Getting exactly what you want.

How do these people do it? The people who say, "I know exactly what I want, and I go out there and get it." How exactly is it that they do that?

I have worked as hard as I know how in my quest for The Job. And I'm comforted by the comments that say my impatient email probably didn't do as much damage as I may think. From submitting what I consider to be an outstanding resume/portfolio package based on tips from the main insider there, to making the difficult follow-up phonecalls, to subtley (for the most part) working my other contacts there... is there more I should do? Should have done?

What exactly are those people doing who actually DO aim at what they want, and his the target every time? Is it any more than what I'm doing? I'd like to believe that I have a pretty good handle on what it takes to get there -- I've done it in the past.

But my confidence has been shaken for some reason, and now I'm questioning whether I have any idea at all.

I will say, the answer on this may come sooner rather than later due to some interesting happenings in the local marketplace, that may cause the busy season to end earlier than normal.

We can only hope this answer is coming, or I'll likely become more insufferable as I try to be patient... and I can guarantee, nobody wants that.
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Getting exactly what you want.

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Friday, October 08, 2004

The Job? I fear it's over.

So you read the post from the other day. Where I bumped into my high-level contact at The Job, and he said he'd email me.

Perfect, right? Got to put myself back in his mind without having to do anything. Talk about a blessed event.

Yeah, well, I just went and fucked it right up. How?

I emailed him.

Oh yes. Too impatient to wait for him to email me, I sent him a note to his Blackberry. Despite knowing how crazy busy he is, despite knowing what a crucial week it is for their business due to come conditions in the marketplace, despite ALL of this... I let The Crazy (TM: Amalah) overtake all of my good sense, and I sent him an IM.

And he didn't respond.

He ALWAYS responds. Always. Immediately, even if it's just with a two or three word response to indicate he's busy but he REPLIES.

But this time, as I completely overstepped my bounds and made a desperate attempt at forcing the situation ahead, he did not reply. My dear mentor Sue said that she didn't believe I obliterated my shot at the job, but that I should not do another damn thing until THEY contact me.

If. IF they contact me.

You see, what I fear has happened... is that after I Blackberried (?) the contact, he saw it, sighed in annoyance and disgust that I couldn't leave it well enough alone, and mentioned to the Guy Who Will Hire The Person For The Job that I'm an annoying nag, and not to bother with me because HE works most closely with the person in The Job, and doesn't want to deal with someone so annoying as me.

Sure, that may be a bit extreme, but it's completely and totally possible.

And so, I have prayed to God that, if there is any way to make my mistake go away... or at least not be as big a mistake as I think it is, that He maybe could do that for me.

Seriously God? I'm still begging. Please. I will stop trying to control this situation and give it back to You. I promise. I promise with all of my heart and soul, with more honestly and truth than I may have ever devoted to anything. Because, I'm still praying that if The Job is Your will for me? Please, let's make it happen.

Please.
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Wednesday, October 06, 2004

Computer issues and an update.

I have been having non-stop problems at work with my email and posting to my blog, hence the lack of posts in the past week. It's not for lack of desire: there's something strange goin' down at the Circle K.

Now for that update.

Resume in, obligatory phonecall made to the guy in charge of hiring. Check and check.

I mentioned a few posts ago, about the guy who didn't get back to me -- my remaining contact at The Job, who isn't involved in the hiring but should have some measure of influence due to his high level position. WELL, I bumped into him on Monday.

Score!

He was in a huge rush but told me he'd email me. I hope he wants to tell me something positive, like, "If I tell them to hire you, they will. And I want YOU to work with ME!"

Ah. A girl can dream, can't she?

Also. I got the flu shot yesterday and my ARM HURTS.

Whaaaa.
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Monday, October 04, 2004

Grammar Slammer Bammer. And blogrolls.

If I hear my boss say, "I seen it this weekend..." or "My sister seen it when she was out shopping..." one more time, I may have to poke out my eye with a pen.

You SEEN nothing. You SAW it. Or you HAVE SEEN it in the past. But if I ask you where the blue pen is, and you say, "I seen it over there...", then I may kill you based on your horrific grammar alone.

Believe it or not, my boss is a smart, sharp woman who has done very well in her career. How this happened, considering her white-trash grammar and vocabulary, is beyond me.

Anyway.

Blogrolls. I need to bitch about them. I hate recipro-linking. Here's why.

Bored at my desk (what else is new?), I decided to link my way around for a while. I started at Jessica In Progress and clicked on a link on her 'roll, we'll call that Page B.

But when I got to Page C., from a link off Page B., is when I got frustrated. There, I found a list of... oh, I don't know... 50 or 60 blogs?

What good does that do me, people? Seriously!

If I'm looking for something to read, if I've gone through my daily reads and am still looking for more, then I will look to the blogs I love the most for some direction. If I love YOUR writing, then it's a good bet that I'll enjoy a blog that YOU love and read frequently.

If you have a list of links to every person who has ever read or linked-to your blog? That's no use to me.

Listen, I get that people who are active, daily bloggers have a compunction to give some credit to the people who read THEIR blog every day. And that's fine.

So here's what I ask. Do like This Fish and Zoot do. Give me a list of your daily reads -- you know, the blogs you LOVE and never miss a day of. Then, give me a separate list of your recipro-links. It's easy. Really.

This all speaks to why I don't actually have a blogroll anymore. There are people who won't read your blog if you're not reading and linking to theirs. I don't need those politics.

If you WANT to know who I read every day, without fail, I'll tell you. Won't you please tell me?
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Sunday, October 03, 2004

While you wait...

When getting frisky with your significant other in an elevator, remember that hitting the "STOP" button will set off a very loud alarm.

Very loud.
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