Friday, October 15, 2004

The universe is telling me something.

It was going to happen eventually. I have resigned myself to the fact that this may be all I'm destined for.

My job pays a decent salary with the usual expected benefits (in Canada, anyway... full dental and perscription drug coverage, partial optical coverage, etc.) Sure, I'm unchallenged and bored. But at least I have a job.

Sure, maybe I'm capable of more... and maybe that makes me different than 95% of the people who work here, who either don't know they're capable of more, or simply don't want to work any harder than they already do. They're very happy counting the hours of the day while they play solitare on their computers between coffee breaks and stepping outside for a smoke. And maybe I'm different because that's not okay for me.

But maybe being different doesn't mean anything. Even if I work really hard to get into a better place, maybe it won't accomplish anything and this IS where I will end up.

All of this internal battling started in my head a few months ago, when I finally realized that this puzzling feeling inside me was the feeling of not being fulfilled by my work. As it turns out, it was very unfortunately ramped up when I ran into my friend who was leaving his perfect job.

Do you want to know what The Job is? It's working for a pro.fe&s.s.i&on.al sp.or&ts team managing m&e&dia and pu&b.li&.icy. That's what I've been raving on and on about. It's an amazing job, but it doesn't really look like it's going to be mine. Not because of anything I've done or not done. Just because that is just how it look like the universe is turning out on this one.

I wish I had never run into my friend. I wish I had never found out about that job being open, because maybe I would have been able to deal with the lack of fulfillment in other ways, not thinking about how I could be doing a job that I really love. Out of sight, out of mind.

I have applied for other jobs too, you know. There have been a couple of really good "other" jobs out there that I've gone for. Narry a bite. I have great experience, a good looking resume, and a lot to offer. But not for those people. And that's fine, I get that.

The thing that has continued to drive my hysteria over jobs is the fact that my curent contract ends in exactly one month and four days. In one month and four days, I may be unemployed. It depends on a number of factors. The alternate ending to that story is that while I could be unemployed, I could also be made permanent. (In a job that I don't like anyway... but I've exhausted the irony card on this already.)

And I've actually been considering taking other jobs that I don't even really want, just to make sure I'm not unemployed. Unemployed versus unfulfilled and unhappy. What's worse? Clearly the former.

But I'm stopping that. Right now, from here on in, it's all done. I'm going to wait one month and four days to find out if I have a job. Making contingency plans is making me crazy. If I don't have a job, then I will live at my parents home, see if I can pull some more shifts at my weekend ra&dio job so that I can make the minimum payments on my loans, and that will be that. Hopefully something else will come along.

And in the meantime, I am going to buy a pair of headphones to plug into my computer at work. That way, I can drown out the voices in my head that are telling me how much more I could be. I'm tired of hearing those voices eight hours a day. Yes, I could be more. I know that. But nobody else is agreeing. If they were, they'd be offering me work at these places I'm applying.

I'm just tired of fighting. Very tired. And, so, this is where I give up.
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