Tuesday, November 30, 2004

Still no call to my references. Can this seriously be happening? Honestly.

But that's not what this post is about.

So, I was sitting at my desk on my fourth-last day at the job-that-I-hate, when I heard a male voice and then the voice of my boss, coming towards my area at the back of our office. The guy is the person who was hired to replace me, as I have quit.

My boss came around the corner and was speaking to the guy, saying, "And this is Pink... she's leaving us for (name of better job), which should be really exciting for her. Pink Stiletto, this is Kevin!"

And then Kevin came around the corner. And I immediately said, "Hi... I KNOW you..." and he had this weird look of recognition flash across his face, and said nothing. So I said, "I can't place it... why do I know you?"

And I think he might have mumbled something about not being sure, before I stuck out my hand to shake his and said, "Oh, well, welcome to the office. I think you'll like it here."

The my boss started to say something, and she lead him away to meet the rest of the crew. After he left, I went up to the front where our receptionist sits and asked his last name.

PS: Jan, what's the new guy's last name?
Jan: R&ssen, I think. Yeah, that's it.
PS: (blink) (blink)

I think I DATED that guy.

No, I don't just think it... I'm quite sure I did. But I can't remember for the life of me when, where, or why we didn't date for long enough that I would REMEMBER him.

Oy. So embarassed. It's not like I've dated THAT many guys that I can't even put a name to a face anymore. Is it?

Of course, I wasn't wearing makeup and my hair was all limp because it's so damn dry in our office now that winter is here. Which sucks, because now that I realize WHY I know him, that look of recognition makes a lot more sense.

I can bet he was thinking, "Not only does she not remember me... but I'm pretty glad I didn't end up with her. Ew."

Ack.
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Monday, November 29, 2004

Back up the truck

So, here I was... all excited, announcing here on S&B that I would be starting a new job and buying a house and blah blah blah.

You actually thought anything would go smoothly, or even remotely "as promised"?

I did. Because I'm stupid.

The New Job hasn't called my references yet. Still. That's the only thing standing between me and the confirmation of this new job. Am I the only person on the planet who does things promptly? Seriously, why can't ANYTHING job-related be done in a timely manner, EVER??

Listen, I'm impatient as it IS. Never mind when my life is hanging in the balance. Call my damn references and present me with the offer sheet. PLEASE. I don't sleep well when there is room for things to go belly-up.

I could only hope and pray that this delay is happening so as to allow The Job to materialize for me. (HA. I am NEVER that fortunate. The bad things tend not to happen to me for really good reasons.)

Also?

I was supposed to go look at a pretty great-seeming house tonight. I was quite prepared to make an offer if the home is as good as I think it will be.

But?

For the second time, they have postponed showings on the house. I was supposed to see it Friday. Nope. They postponed until Monday. Monday is TODAY, and they've postponed until Wednesday. Why? What could they possibly be doing this for?

Maybe they're cleaning blood off the floor after a weekend murder. Maybe they're getting the lice professionally removed from the carpet. Maybe their young children have been taken hostage by sewer rats in the basement.

There is no good reason for this delay! There can't be. (I am omniscient, I know this.)

But of course, I'll never KNOW about the murder... that is, until I become a suspect in a different murder, and Nicky & Warrick from CSI have to come into my basement and spray that stuff that turns surfaces pink when there are traces of blood. Of course, I'd just happen to come down the stairs in my silk robe while they're working, and Nicky, upon catching a glimpse of my sizzling sex appeal, would stop dead in his tracks... this would all lead to a series of events that they could only show on the new HBO series, "CSI: XXX"...

Uh? What?

As I was saying, I think the entire universe is out to get me. Honestly.

Stay tuned. The drama just never ends.
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Thursday, November 25, 2004

A meaningful update, for once. And other stuff.

It came down to the wire, but the job situation is finally over. (Mostly. Sort of.)

The story is too long to bother recounting here, but I'm leaving the current job to take a pretty good alternative.

I don't start until January -- which happens to be when things with The Job are allegedly going to be decided. Sometimes I wonder if they'll ever finally deal with it... they have to eventually but it's gone on so long that it feels more like a dream than reality anymore.

SO, while I have avoided unemployment (and in a rather good way), I'm still somewhat on-hold... just finding out whether I'll have a real shot at my dream job.

If not? I'm totally okay with that. If the dream job doesn't happen, I will be sad but not crushed. And I'll get over it.

The fact is, I have my life back, and I could not be more thankful or grateful.

And so...

Many thanks must go out my amazing* friend Sharon and her fantastic* husband David who have been my lifeline via IM, while I tried to keep myself from drowning in worry, doubt, and fear.

And naturally my love R. who has put up with my endless bullshit for the past four months.

AND, all of you regular readers who have encouraged me daily through your comments. A girl doesn't deserve this, I tell you.

But the biggest thanks must go to God. He is good, He is faithful, and He has not deserted me even when I probably deserved to be hit by lightning and put to pasture.

So now... what will I write about? Good question. Probably some chatter about whether The Job actually materializes, but more likely some far-more inane topics.

Like how I'm falling in love with Tostitos with Lime. And how I am genuinely happy for Mary and Byron on the Bachelor. And how Jen Scheftt is a bit full of herself from all appearances.

AND, hopefully sooner rather than later, I can write the announcement that I have found and purchased a house... and am engaged to be married to the love of my life. (You'd think I'd be the master of patience by now. Ha.)

Thanks all. It's a good day.

*Words may be replaced with any of the following: generous, selfless, endlessly patient, giving, and/or kind.

NOTE TO CLARIFY: I am not engaged. I hope to GET engaged. And if I do, then I will talk about it. Sorry for the confusion.
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Tuesday, November 23, 2004

I wish I had an update. But I don't. Nothing meaningful, anyway.

I got a pair of kicky new red boots -- free, from a friend who bought them right before she had a baby and now her feet have changed and she can't wear them. She had them just long enough to break them in, but not long enough to scuff them up.

Score.

Oh yeah, also...

I turned down that job I mentioned in yesterday's post, last night. We had a very nice conversation and he seemed genuinely disappointed (and told me as much) that I wouldn't be coming to work for them, but I had to do it. And I didn't feel a shred of regret. That is, until now... which is 10:20am on Tuesday, and I still haven't heard back from the other job and NOW I am worried.

Not that I regret turning down that job because, despite the fact that it could be considered a bit of a status thing to work there, it just felt wrong.

I'm just quite terrified that, despite the fact that the boss at this other job was drooling over the prospect of getting someone with my particular experience and skill set to round out his team... that something will happen to make him change his mind, and then I'm screwed.

STRESS HEADACHE RETURNING. Well, it was gone for three days... I guess I should feel thankful for THAT.

Otherwise, no update. Still nothing good to report, nothing to celebrate, no answers. Still can't move on. Still stuck, still waiting. Life still ON HOLD.

I have had just about enough of this.
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Monday, November 22, 2004

Panic.

I just got offered a job that, at one point I thought I wanted, but now have intensely bad vibes about.

I have to turn it down, but wasn't able to have the conversation about that due to the fact that I'm at my current job and it's probably not entirely appropriate or safe. Or smart.

Being true to yourself is VERY HARD.

I'm waiting to hear about another job -- not The Job, but a decent second choice -- and haven't yet, even though I was told that I'm a shoe-in and all sorts of other nice and lovely things.

PANIC. PANIC. PANIC.

I am a recovering anxiety-sufferer (like alcoholics, I think those of us with anxiety disorders are never more than an unreturned phonecall away from a freak-out), and I'm having a very, very, very hard time waiting for an answer. And also accepting that turning down the above-mentioned job is not the end of the world -- if none of the other current options materialize, God will take care of me.

Let go, let God. Etc.

It's a great philosophy to believe, but it's highly scary when it comes time to live it.

People, I'm sending out a plea here: please pray for me that this all works out. Because I'm currently very scared.
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Friday, November 19, 2004

Decisions, Decisions.

I think I've made one.

And for the first time in months -- literally, since August -- I have a sense of feeling settled and maybe even slightly at peace. (Not entirely, but slightly. Baby steps, people.)

I am going to leave my dreaded current job, and go with my back-up plan. I could tell you some surface reasons for why I think I feel good about this decision, but I don't think that's what it is.

A very good friend reminded me that, no matter how hard I pray, God can't make this decision FOR me. I will have to make it, and if I make the "wrong" one, then God will do whatever He has to, in order to right my ship. As long as I'm open to it.

And as soon as I made the decision, the headache that I have experienced for many weeks, finally slipped away.

It's not the route that everyone suggested I should take, the route that could lead to more open doors in the future. But I had a bad vibe about that route. I don't know why. I don't even know if I should be trusting my vibes at this stage of the game -- I'm so immersed in what's going on, I can barely see straight sometimes.

But there's one thing I do know: I have to be happy. And while sometimes we do have to go through garbage to get to the good stuff, I don't really feel like doing things that would benefit my future "just incase". Other than The Job, which may or may never come to fruition, I don't know what else I want my future to hold. And, while I could take the path that would open certain doors... what if those aren't the doors I want to go through when the time comes?

In other words, I'm taking happiness -- today. Living for today. The Job may never happen so I can't keep planning around it. I need to go with something that is in front of me... and of the three things that are there, I can honestly say that this one feels somewhat right. There's a bit of security, it should be at least moderately fun, and we'll see what comes down the pipe when it's time to look there.

"Woke up this morning
With this feeling inside me that I can't explain
Like a weight that I've carried
Has been carried away,
But I know something is coming
I don't know what it is
But I know it's amazing, you save me
My time is coming
And I'll find my way out of this longest drought

It feels like today I know it feels like today I'm sure
Its the one thing that's missin'
The one thing I'm wishin'
Life's sacred blessin'
It feels like today
Feels like today
Feels like your life changing..."

Praise the Lord. He makes my path straight.
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Thursday, November 18, 2004

Why does it have to hurt so much?

My tongue, that is.

I burned it. Really badly. On a too-hot cup of hot chocolate.

Obviously it was too hot or I wouldn't have burned it. Duh-UH. Why am I so stupid?

It's not the whole tongue, mind you. It's just a little oval shaped area that corresponds directly to the white plastic lid on the paper coffee cup I was drinking from.

But that little oval shaped area may as well be as big as my entire head, because it HURTS. I think I taste blood.

So I had an Almond Croissant to make myself feel better.

Except now I just feel guilty, fat, and with a freak-tongue.

Oh, also, I'm waiting to hear from both places I had job interviews with yesterday. Yes, BOTH places. I had two interviews in one day. One for my current, I-hate-it job, and one for another job that isn't The Job, but it would be okay. I think. I'm not sure.

Needless to say, I'm clearly not certain about my future right now.
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Wednesday, November 17, 2004

They tricked me. I can't believe they tricked me.

So, I just had my interview for the job that I currently hold. The one that would make me a permanent employee, no longer on contract.

Except, due to Human Resources rules, they had to post this job and so I'm actually up against other people.

Of course the irony remains that I hate my job and don't want to work there anymore, but that's besides the point. Until I have a job offer from somewhere else where I really want to work, I need this one.

So, as I was saying, I had my interview.

And they flippin' tricked me.

First, may I just say that it's unnerving and very uncomfortable to be interviewed by your current boss and one of your co-workers. You'd think it would be a breeze, but you'd be wrong. It's hard to bullshit to your boss when she already knows you and what the truth is.

Anyway. The trick.

The last question the HR woman asked me (the HR woman, who I have had to wait behind for the microwave on our floor at lunch time) was about time management. How do I manage my time and my work.

I gave the requisite answer about making lists, order of priority, etc, etc. Blah blah blah and blah.

Then, after the 30 minute interview part, I had to go and pretend to be a writer doing a story about a new staff member at my workplace, and I had to interview him for the story. 10 minutes for the interview, in a very cold office where my hand had a hard time gripping the pen to write.

THEN, I had to take the interview material, go into a little room with a computer, and write two pieces: a story for the internal newsletter, and a media release announcing the "hiring" of this new staff member. That is the order on which they're listed on the instruction sheet I was given. 20 minutes alloted for the two, in total. And.... GO.

I got the internal newsletter piece done very quickly -- figuring out the tip on a restaurant bill is more challenging for me.

Then I got about four lines into the media release, when the HR person came to tell me my time was up.

And that's when it hit me.

Order of priority.

Wouldn't it stand to reason that you'd write the media release first, because it's more important to let the public know about the new guy? The internal folks can figure it out themselves.

Hot damn, they tricked me.

Rather, they called me on my bullshit answer about time management and making lists and blah, blah, blah. The truth? I have no system. I get things done as I feel like doing them, but because I work so damn quickly, everything always gets done way before it's due. Easy-peasy.

They out-bullshitted me. Bastards.

The thing is that I'm not upset about the fact that I might have hurt my chances for this job based on not completing both assignments in the time alloted (which, MIGHT I add, is completely unreasonable and totally not realistic?) I'm upset that these people, who I DON'T EVEN WANT TO WORK FOR, got the better of me.

Blast.
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Tuesday, November 16, 2004

What do you do when you don't know what to do?

I don't think I have ever been in a position where I'm so unsure about what to do with my life.

I have never been in a position where I didn't know what my next step would be -- what I wanted it to be.

I only know one thing that I do want, that being "The Job", but I have no idea if it will ever materialize. I've been waiting so long for them to do something about it, that it almost seems like a dream now... like it's not actually possible for something to come of it. Outside of that, though, I can't tell you one way or the other what I want for my life... immediately, future, or otherwise.

And that makes me terrified. That's it. I'm scared to death. I don't want to make a mistake that I will feel the effects of forever. That said, I also don't know how much longer I can take being in a situation that I hate more than I can describe.

I suppose this all may be moot soon; it depends on whether I get offered the extention on my contract at my current job. I should find out by the end of the week, but who the hell knows. Nothing ever EVER happens without my having to exercise a great deal of patience, I don't know why this would be any different.

I'm just so tired. Tired of being scared, tired of being sad, tired of being uncertain. SO tired of waiting.

I'm not asking for money here. I'm not asking for fame, fortune, or a life of luxury. I just want to be happy with a job that fulfills me and pays enough so that I can pay my rent.

But apparently, that is far too much to ask.

It's apparently also too much to ask for my new office computer to allow me to install my IM client, which means I'm no longer online. Everything is too mother-f*cking much to ask these days.
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Saturday, November 13, 2004

On coffee. Or off.

I am off coffee. For "religious reasons", sort of.

If I can recommend anything to anyone, it is: don't go off coffee. I don't care what they say about too much caffiene. I don't care if they're now saying that coffee causes premature aging of the skin. I don't care.

I drive by several Starbucks locations every day, and each one seems to cry out to me. I haven't had a grande non-fat Caramel Macchiato in more than a week. IT'S ONLY BEEN A WEEK. But it's been a long, long, gruelling, arduous, hard week.

Oh coffee, why are you such a temptress?

I have set December 24th as my end date for this "coffee fast". That is when my 56 days of prayer are over. For that night, for Christmas Eve, I am dreaming about a coffee with Baileys... or an Eggnot Latte... or even the sludge from the machine at work.

I don't care. Just give me my bloody cup.

And it will be bloody, as I scratch and claw my way to the front of the line at Starbucks. And it will be very good.
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Tuesday, November 09, 2004

Backup Plan

I figured that I should start formulating a backup plan since a good friend asked me what my backup plan was, and I had none.

In the meantime, I need to get myself prepared for all possibilities. Sure, I'm trying to have faith and be patient... I'm on Day 9 of a Rosary Novena, (don't knock it until you've tried it) and I'm doing everything I can to keep a positive attitude. But it's very hard. I am facing possible unemployment in a very difficult job market -- I'll know in about a week and a half whether my current contract is extended, or if I'm out on my ass as of the 26th of November.

Now, granted, The Job (not my current job, you'll remember, but my ultimate dream job that came open very recently) is further being dragged out due to an edict from the head office that doesn't allow any major announcements out of any of the offices across the country until after the 21st of this month. But the fact remains that I have absolutely no idea what my chances are and whether it's a realistic possibility that I could come on here with a post saying, "I GOT IT." I have no idea.

So. I have to committ to a Plan B. What is it?

Hair. Becoming a stylist, to be exact. The money can be amazing if you play your cards right, and there's never a day of your life when you're behind a desk. The above-mentioned friend brought it up and while I initially dismissed it out of hand (sorry about that Shar, I know you understand), it came back to me later in the day. It's something I considered during my last career crisis, and frankly it's literally the only thing that doesn't send me into fits of tears over the hopelessness of my career situation.

This is never what I imagined for my life, having to move onto a Plan B, because the rest didn't work out. Never mind that hair school sounds like the epitomy of brainless. However. I need some stability and security in my life already -- I'm getting too old to need to "fall back" on the fact that my parents happen to live in the same city that I do, and I could go live there if I needed. That's not the way I want to live my life. I'm an adult, I've been out on my own long enough, and I'm finished depending on them. I don't want to NEED a fall back anymore. I want to have my own fall-back -- I want to BE my own fall back.

I'm the only person in my life who I know I can count on, and I want to be ABLE to count on myself for anything.

This all has me questioning every decision I've ever made, including the one that saw me leave my career as a journalist, working for the most prestigious TV network in the country. But that's another post for another day.

As I said, this is never what I imagined for my life. And frankly, it's scary to have to start thinking about a Plan B. Because it's almost as if I'm saying that nothing could possibly work out so I need to do this. But I'm trying to look at it from the perspective that, actually, I'm being intelligent about what's going on here. I'm not counting on anything and I'm trying to look out for myself.

What I can only hope is that God will smile favourably on the fact that I'm not just aimlessly sitting and waiting for Him to cater to me somehow, and He'll see fit to bring The Job around to me.

I can only pray.
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Monday, November 08, 2004

By the grace of God...

If you haven't ever watched Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, all I can tell you is that... well, you should.

Rarely does television touch us very deeply, certainly not in a spirital way, but my hat goes off to ABC for a program that does.

Last night, the "design team" re-designed a house for a family of deaf parents who have one blind-autistic 10 year-old son, and one "normal" 17 year old son. (I put normal in quotations, because it feels wrong to call him normal, as if it insults the rest of them.) The autistic son was born with more challenges than most people face in the course of a lifetime, and it takes every minute his parents and brother can spare, to take care of him. As a consequence, the parents haven't been able to live their own lives because they literally have to watch him every second of the day or he will escape from the house. This is to say nothing of the 17 year old brother, who graciously takes care of his deaf parents and brother without a complaint.

The father puts together cars in an auto parts plant. His salary isn't much, and he's never been able to provide for his family the way he wanted.

Then, in swoops Ty Pennington and Co., and they transform this house into a magical place with every possible piece of technology necessary to make sure the autistic boy is safe and accounted for at all times... and in that, space (and time) for the parents to finally live their own lives too.

With the help of deaf actress Marlee Matlin, the show managed to pull together a 50-thousand dollar scholarship for the normally-abled son to go to college -- a dream he had put aside because the family wasn't able to afford it.

ABC and the crew of that show deserve so many blessings for doing what they do, particularily for transforming the lives of this family. The work they do is guided by God, and it is truly an amazing thing.

I can only pray that someday, I can give back like that. May God bless us all with even just one opportunity in our lives to do so.
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Thursday, November 04, 2004

Operation: Successful

The ambush was successful. Dare I say, very very successful.

You needn't have worried, dear readers, as it was all planned very carefully so as to avoid any mishaps or craziness or other possible badness. It was simply a conversation that needed to be had, and it was.

And if I may say, I was a bit giddy afterwards as it went so exceedingly well. Unfortunately, the conversation is only one teeny, tiny little piece of a very large puzzle. A good piece, sure, but it's like one of those corner pieces in a jigsaw -- you need it, you can't really finish without it, but there are far bigger pieces in the middle that have to be put together... and they're those really hard ones that are all the same shade of sky-blue.

Now we wait. Again. Still.

I had not thought of a thank-you note in regards to the other job. Why hadn't I thought of a thank-you note? I'm not sure. It's one of the cardinal rules of good interviewing. Sh*t.

As for my current job, which I hate but need, I will have to interview for my own position next Wednesday, the 10th. My boss is being very evasive, sharing some information but not other info. While I know that H.R. will play a large role in who is hired, I just don't know what game my boss is playing.

I may not get to keep the job I have, I haven't heard back from a job that I sort-of want, and I have no idea what is happening (or when) with my dream job.

You want to talk uncertainty? THAT is uncertainty.

So I'll keep praying.

Yoda, and others... thanks for your prayers. Knowing the power of prayer in my own life, it means more than I can say.
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Wednesday, November 03, 2004

Ambush

If you can't get them on the phone, ambush them.

At least, that's the plan. The "them" is a "him".

This all falls under the heading of A Face To Face Meeting Beats A Phonecall.

Since I have only gotten his voicemail, and since I know how very busy he is right now, the best bet is to speak to him in person to get this very important information that I need.

I'm nervous about it because I've been doing so much waiting, that getting any information whatsoever seems like a monumental thing. Let's hope the whole thing doesn't backfire.

On another note... why the hell haven't I heard from the place where I interviewed two Fridays ago? Especially after he told me that he liked me very much, and that I would hear from him about a second interview very soon.

Grr.
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Monday, November 01, 2004

Grunt.

Waiting is a mother-fucking bitch.

It ruins a perfectly good day off, and will likely ruin any following days off. Like tomorrow.

Fuck.

Back to work Wednesday, likely with a real post. Huzzah.
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