Tuesday, November 16, 2004

What do you do when you don't know what to do?

I don't think I have ever been in a position where I'm so unsure about what to do with my life.

I have never been in a position where I didn't know what my next step would be -- what I wanted it to be.

I only know one thing that I do want, that being "The Job", but I have no idea if it will ever materialize. I've been waiting so long for them to do something about it, that it almost seems like a dream now... like it's not actually possible for something to come of it. Outside of that, though, I can't tell you one way or the other what I want for my life... immediately, future, or otherwise.

And that makes me terrified. That's it. I'm scared to death. I don't want to make a mistake that I will feel the effects of forever. That said, I also don't know how much longer I can take being in a situation that I hate more than I can describe.

I suppose this all may be moot soon; it depends on whether I get offered the extention on my contract at my current job. I should find out by the end of the week, but who the hell knows. Nothing ever EVER happens without my having to exercise a great deal of patience, I don't know why this would be any different.

I'm just so tired. Tired of being scared, tired of being sad, tired of being uncertain. SO tired of waiting.

I'm not asking for money here. I'm not asking for fame, fortune, or a life of luxury. I just want to be happy with a job that fulfills me and pays enough so that I can pay my rent.

But apparently, that is far too much to ask.

It's apparently also too much to ask for my new office computer to allow me to install my IM client, which means I'm no longer online. Everything is too mother-f*cking much to ask these days.