Saturday, March 26, 2005

Am I the only one?

Even though this is my personal space to get my feelings off my chest, I've hesitated to talk about what's really going on in my life lately. Not sure why. The only person in my everyday life who knows about this site is The Fiance, and he and I agreed a few months back that he wouldn't read it anymore so I could freely write.

I hope he's holding to that promise.

Here goes:

I'm scared. I don't know if I want to get married.

We have a date, the church, a reception hall and a photographer. We also have friends who are selling tickets to our "social" (a pre-wedding fundraising party for the bride and groom -- local custom, probably considered tacky elsewhere, but fully expected around here).

We don't have a dress or rings or invitations or ANYTHING else. And I'm not sure I want it. I keep putting it all off.

I've talked to other girls who have told me they've gone through the same thing. They say it just comes down to cold feet; we've wanted this for so long, when we finally get it, we realize that we never weighed the idea that maybe we DON'T want it. But the reason nobody knows that this is common is because Brides aren't supposed to talk about it. They're not supposed to have doubts. THAT is supposed to fall to the guys.

Well, guess what. It doesn't just fall to the guys. It's fallen squarely at my feet and I feel like I'm losing my mind.

I've gone through depression in the past. I thought I had it beat.

Maybe not.

I spent the entire day in bed yesterday, crying. I haven't cleaned the house in a week, I have no energy to do anything but lay around and cry. I did the dishes today and it took every ounce of energy inside me to get through it. I feel sad and empty. I can't even grasp at exactly what it is or why, I just know that I feel disconnected from normalcy.

I could probably go on for hours about how, for the first time in my life, I'm scared of losing my independence. About how, for the first time in the two years that I've been with my guy, that I'm questioning if we'll be happy for a lifetime.

I feel trapped and terrified.

I keep asking... why this? Why me? Why now? Aren't I supposed to be squealing with my girlfriends when I find the perfect invitations... just the right centrepieces... "the dress"?

I'm not doing any of that. I don't even want to talk about it, let alone plan it.

To top it off, I have a friend -- a guy friend -- who is complicating the matter. He hasn't meant to come between me and my guy, but he has in a way. My guy doesn't trust him, and in a way, doesn't trust me with him. But in knowing I might lose this friend, I hold more tightly onto the idea that maybe I'm not cut out to be "together" with anyone.

Maybe I'm just better off wishing I was "together". Funny, I spent so much time alone and hating it... maybe if I had just tried to appreciate it a little more when I was there, I wouldn't be where I am now.

Just not sure what to do, and so scared of making the wrong decision.