Friday, May 13, 2005

Until next time.

Sorry for all of the confusion. I was asking for people to delurk so I could send a private email saying that I'm moving blogs.

Except, I've decided not to. I'm quitting altogether instead.

As much as I want to keep a diary, and doing it online is the most simple way possible... I can't do this anymore.

You see... the thing I haven't said here on S&B is that my wedding and engagement are off, because I fucked up. It's entirely my fault.

My co-worker and I kissed a couple of months ago.

Doing that has effectively ruined my life as I know it. The most important person I've ever known doesn't know if he ever wants to lay eyes on me again.

I can tell you that I was starved for attention, I was lost and confused, and my mental state was upside down. But that doesn't really explain it, and it certainly doesn't excuse it.

I did the most stupid, pointless, useless thing of my life... and it has cost me dearly. I am disgusted with myself. I don't even know who the hell I am. How could I do this... betray a man I have loved with all of my heart since the day I met him?

We're on another "break" right now -- since last Monday. He needed more space from me, because it hurts to be around someone who shattered his trust the way I have. But I have a horrible, sinking feeling that the nightmare has only just begun. I have an incredibly bad feeling that he's not coming back.

I don't think God is really listening to me anymore. (If He actually is, I really don't deserve it anyway.) But IF he is... all I can ask, is that I get another chance. I know God will forgive me, but I don't think my love ever really will. Without him, I have nothing.

I have never been more sorry for anything in my life.

And that's why I'm done sharing the details of this life. I need to live with this misery I've created for myself. I don't have the right to get this off my chest anymore.

Thanks for spending time here. Good luck to all of you.